“Believing you shall receive.” I don’t get it. Right now I don’t even know what that means. Why am I here? To watch people die? And grieve with their families? Where do I draw the line? Between understanding the science and believing in the Unseen. Between wishing for brain death and praying for hope to be found within the seed. Today was a hard day. A lot of tears were shed. A lot of things left unsaid. A mother left without a son. Siblings left without a brother. Co-workers left without a friend. Wife left without a husband. And children, the youngest being 3 months old, left without a father. I don’t understand. How is that one day your walking among the living, and the next your lying with the dead. No warnings, no heads up, no nothing. I don’t understand. Did they not pray enough? Did they not believe enough? Did I not believe enough? Bending of knees and twisting of speech…one would think that was sufficient evidence of their faithful beseech. Was that not enough to change Your will… was it something You were adamantly unwilling to fulfill? Right now I don’t even know how to process all of this. I know You are a good Father, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a bit, it doesn’t mean it’s not hard not to find fault in it. Nevertheless, I will hold onto Your goodness, but God I need Your joy to be my strength. I need Your joy to be the strength for every single person who has been at his side, every single person connected to him, every single person grieving, and every single person who won’t even get a chance to know him, but will forever carry his name. God we need you.

10/24/23